[PHOTOS] Basketball Wives LA Recap: Bambi Ruins Laura’s Birthday, Gloria Is Read For Filth

This recap of Basketball Wives LA is brought to you by a volatile Bambi, a graphic insight into Gloria’s nookie chronicles, Brooke’s erroneously labeled lingerie line Touche Moi, and a series of non-sequiturs stemming from illogical, duplicitous women. Shall we?

The first clip finds Brooke debuting her lingerie line Touche Moi to Bambi, Gloria, Jackie, and a misplaced Tocarra Jones–sans the Most Supportive Friend in the World Draya. According to Brooke, her line is called Touche Moi because in English it means “touch me.” I’d like to know which dictionary included that definition of ‘touche’ since according to Dictionary.com it’s defined as “fencing” or “an expression used for acknowledging a telling remark or rejoinder.” But in the spirit of being succinct, let’s move on. After five seconds into the clip it occurs to me that Draya likely didn’t attend because Brooke will continue beating the dead horse storyline of King Magazine-gate. Bambi opines that “it’s fucked up that Draya didn’t attend” but forgets to mention that Brooke didn’t tell Draya why she was inviting her over to her place in the first place. Like clockwork, the ladies begin discussing King Magazine-gate courtesy of Brooke, and once again I’m relying on my glass of champagne to get me through this episode. Winner: Draya for not being subjected to wearing Brooke’s Wal-Mart-esque lingerie line.

Because Jackie Christie is a burgeoning entrepreneur, it’s rightfully so that she owns a recording studio. And because the state of hip-hop is currently anemic, it’s befitting that she fancies herself as a rapper. I give you lyrics of gold from Jackie Christie: “Black Gucci shades/Six inch heels…” Winner: Definitely not fans of hip-hop or music in general.

The next scene finds Malaysia and Bambi persuading Draya to build a house on their trip to New Orleans while eating dinner.  Draya is in fact absolutely priceless as she twists her lips in a disgusted pout at the idea of building a house for free. And just in case you needed further indication that Draya is immature, Malaysia entices her with her own vanity, “You’ll look sexy and I’ll Instagram it,” she coddled. Way to appease her fame-whoring and obsession with social media, Malaysia. Winner: Habitat for Humanity for the free labor that they’re about to receive.

The next footage finds all the women–except Draya who explained she would not attend because of the cast’s fakery–at a makeup studio at the invitation of Gloria. She invited the women for a fun filled evening in getting their faces beat and a subsequent party to celebrate Laura’s birthday. Bambi arrives, and tells everyone Draya isn’t coming and inappropriately, her reason for not coming. Jackie and Gloria opine the truth in response to Bambi’s information, ‘Why is Draya concerned about their fake friendship?’ It’s a cold day in Hell when I agree with Jackie, so that means Hell has frozen over, right? Still sticking to her redundant storyline, Brooke manages to spin herself into the conversation and says, “How is Draya going to judge someone else’s friendship when she’s not even being a real friend to me?”  To which I reply with Bambi’s observation: “Neither of them knows how to be friends.” Malaysia, who manages to only meddle in someone’s business if she’s not intimidated by said person’s enemy, tries to move the conversation away from Draya by saying, “Well, L[aura] are you happy with everyone in the room? Well, moving along.” Her lack of courage is hilarious because again if this were anyone else’s business she would have interfered to the point of instigating. Winner: Draya for not attending this fiasco.

Part two of this scene, involves Bambi desperately trying to get a rise out of Gloria, and Gloria politely shutting her down. It is an exercise in stupidity because it does a perfect job in highlighting what Bambi doesn’t know. As in Bambi doesn’t know when she’s ruined a planned evening. Let’s start. First, Bambi wrongly decides to let Gloria know that she wanted to slap her at Draya’s all-white party because she remarked that she doesn’t know the back-story on Jackie & Laura’s beef. Let’s pause for a moment: Why is Gloria’s remark a source of err for Bambi considering it’s true and Laura has repeated this to her on numerous occasions? My prognosis: Bambi doesn’t like Gloria for her own personal reasons–or maybe even because of Malaysia–and has finally found a premise to attack her. Gloria–who from now on will be referred to as Mrs. Teflon Don–good-humorly replies,  “Oh, okay. C’mon,” while still getting her make-up applied.  The shade from that act alone says it all: Gloria does not see you nor is she intimated by you Bambi. A clearly dismayed Bambi responds, “Really?” and Gloria replies, “If you need to; if you want to. I didn’t say what was going to happen after that.” There’s talks of one “catching a fade” as the tension increasingly rises from Bambi, and Gloria comically interviews, “This big gum, block headed bitch comes in here trying to start shit on my sister’s birthday? Fuck if it was funny or not now you’re really pissing me off.” Gloria informs Bambi while still getting her make-up applied, “If you came here to start shit you’re more than welcome to excuse yourself.” Bambi rebuttals, “You’re more than welcome to be quite because I’m not talking to you.” To which Gloria counters with, “I’m definitely not being quite; this is my sister’s birthday. So let me tell you something: If you want to sit here and start shit talking you can do whatever you want to do. You’d be an effin’ fool to start some shit up in here. Go ahead and take a seat and get your make-up done.” Yes, ma’am Gloria is too legit to quit. Winner: Gloria for politely showing Bambi that she has a backbone, and her BS is not needed here.

Part three of this clip, features Malaysia in a desperate attempt to try to save Bambi actually telling Gloria that she’s being disrespectful towards Bambi. I nearly gagged on my champagne at her absurdity and pathetic attempt to blatantly lie. Unfortunately for Malaysia, Gloria’s brain isn’t comprised of Skittles like hers and she calls out Bambi for her bad behavior. Afterward, she explains to Bambi what her comment meant which I think is unnecessary considering she clearly stated it in English. But than again, maybe women from Compton interpret messages differently. Bambi, whose proven herself to suffer from arrested development interviews that despite Gloria explaining herself she still doesn’t like her. Oy vey. Laura opines, “This party is a rap; there’s no way I want to hang out with these [hood] rats.” And I completely agree with her. Winner: The Govan sisters from separating themselves from the childish group.

The women meet for dinner where Laura happily admits to getting hitched to Matt Barnes at the vexation of Avante Rose and Black Wall Street. Bambi, detered by Gloria’s happiness, leaves because she genuinely doesn’t like her. Malaysia goes after her as if they’re squabbling lovers and tries to persuade her to rejoin the group. Bambi refuses, and simultaneously shades Gloria for filth saying, “I’m happy that she isn’t getting trains ran through her anymore.” Both women walk back in, and Malaysia gives an awakward speech on not fighting and respecting each others’ personalities. Awkward, because the women in fact were doing just that (i.e., getting along) considering they were relinquishing in Gloria’s marriage. Why didn’t she just say this to Bambi as opposed to everyone? Unfortunately, Malaysia’s speech is interpreted as a call for arms to Jackie because she uses it as a segue way to address Brooke and Draya’s pointless beef. Apparently, someone must have told her how she sounds like a dog with a bone because Brooke asks, “Why you gon start this shit…” Oh, so now you’re sick and tired of addressing it?! And Draya rolls her eyes, and exasperates, “Y’all ain’t sick and tired of hearing about this shit already?!” Laura comments, “This shit is old…” and Malaysia ends it by actually leaving. Winner: Laura Govan for not allowing Avante Rose and Black Wall Street to deter Matt from marrying her.

After successfully building a house while dressed inappropriately, Draya, Malaysia, Jackie, & Bambi partake in a traditional New Orleans ritual–i.e., getting inebriated on the streets, and being an overall drunken mess. Brooke, Gloria, and Laura go out for a quiet night of responsible drinking. The comparison between both scenes shows how the cast has irreparably fractured. Two important things occurred in this scene: 1) Bambi spills the tea on Gloria’s nookie chronicles, and 2) Jackie sears her orangutan breasts in the minds of New Orleans already traumatized inhabitants.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Bambi’s main reasons for hating Gloria:

Also:

Stray Observations

What kind of friend is Brooke for not telling Draya about her lingerie line when Draya definitely confided in her about her swimwear line?

Are Bambi and Draya in a les-bi-honest relationship? I asked because once seated at dinner, Malaysia commented to Draya,  “She didn’t cheat on you” in regards to Bambi.

By Carla St. Louis (@SheWrites007)

Source: VH-1