Vh1’s Love & Hip-Hop is a clusterfuck of a reality TV show.
Fights? Check. Thirsty females? Check. Vuluptuous women with STDs? Check. It’s like a PG-13 version of the backstage of a rap concert.
On paper, its based on the premises of showcasing the plight of industry outliers like L’Orel, Jen the Pen, Erica Mena, Winter, Rasheeda Ali, Raqi, Yandy, Mendeecees Harris, and Tahiry and has been artists like Consequence, Olivia, and Joe Budden.
But, as we all know, that is pure manure. In reality, it’s just an in-depth study on ratchet behavior and of course, Yandy and Mendeecees relationship. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I learned from watching this show.
Thanks Mona Scott-Young for the 22 life lessons that clearly aren’t being taught at universities–anywhere.
Lesson 1: Two Exes Cannot Be ‘Just Friends’
This point is examplified in Tahiry and Joe Budden’s made-for-TV “friendship.” They are very much still in a relationship with each other, and are playing the most obvious game of cat and mouse since Tom and Jerry. They downplay their relationship by calling it a “friendship”–which by the way is ratchet speak for ‘we still smash on the DL.’ For two people who are seemingly over each other, they spend an obscene amount of time either 1) talking about each other or 2) with each other. Need more proof of their “friendship?” Joe’s already kicked his girlfriend Kaelin to the curb for Tahiry.
Lesson 2: Do Not Allow A Pimp To Play You, Lest You Enjoy Being Called A Simp
For all intended purposes, Erica Mena is a pimp–plain and simple. She’ll separate a fool from his money just because it’s convenient for her. Sadly, viewers can watch this regularly through her relationship with Rich Dollaz. Within a few short episodes, she’s managed to dethrown Olivia as Rich’s leading lady, snagged a radio-approved single, and a bevy of hosting gigs all after she was clever enough to ‘realize’ she’s madly in love with Rich. (See what she did there?) Whenever he tries to break up with her she spazzes out and skillfully unloads a truckload of guilt on his gullible mind that leaves him distraught for her–continuing her Jedi-like mindfuck.
Lesson 3: Do Not Go Shopping While High On Molly
Based on his past admission of frequently using molly, I’m assuming a post-high led Joe Budden to wear this hideous vest as an outerwear because that’s the only way to explain gold stars and iron-on arts as fashionable.
Lesson 4: Holding A Man Down Does Not Make You His Girlfriend
Thanks Joe Budden for clarifying to me that just because a woman holds you down–wether it be sexually, financially, and/or emotionally–it’s absolutely inconsequential and doesn’t quantify her as your girlfriend.
Lesson 5: Get A Fat Ass
Whether it’s God given or silicon-based, Tahiry’s massive ass is used as an intimidation tactic when speaking with men. For a woman who works as a waitress but manages to wear designer swag and found the necessary funds to shoot a music video, clearly having a huge rump yields some type of power. But be careful: herpes doesn’t discriminate.
Lesson 6: When All Else Fails, Spaz Out
If speaking logically and expressing your emotions like an adult doesn’t seem to work for you, take a play from Erica Mena’s playbook and spaz out–all the effin’ time. It doesn’t even have to be a reasonable spaz out, just do it in order to cultivate your mythology of crazy.
Lesson 7: Embrace Hipsterdom
If you’re holding on for dear relevancy, and find yourself blending in with the pack of other R&B singers do something monumental. Like, for instance, wearing a pair of red hipster specs that probably aren’t even prespcription to appear vaguely interesting.
Lesson 8: Develop A Mean Stankface
When a crazy broad is reading you for filth and you still could give two fucks about the situation, put on a Yandy-approved stankface, i.e., it must be squnity and utterly nasty. Trust me, it’ll subdue her into submission.
Lesson 9: Dress Like An Effin Lady Of The Night
The best way to attract respectable, professional men is to always dress like their counterpart. That’s seen here in the above pic, where neon fuschia leggings are all the rage, and bright red hair a la Sideshow Bob is the look for sophisticated women men with dignity prefer.
Lesson 10: Act Like You Were Raised In A Brothel
If you’re in dire need of professional credibility follow this formula to a tee: In the presence of men, matter of fact any man, always carry yourself with the elegance of a woman who was raised in a brothel. Meaning, discuss sex repeatedly, allow the subject matter to permeate the conversation, and always allude to the fact that your nookie is available–just because.
Lesson 11: Trust Your Instincts
If your gut tells you she’s a skanky hoe, trust, she’s a skanky hoe.
Lesson 12: Embrace Your Status In Life
So, you’re white. Does that translate into privilege? For the most part, yes. Should you go around town screaming this at the top of your lungs? No (somethings are better left unsaid). But should you use it as the ultimate ball buster for a noodlebrain chickenhead whose trying to read you for filth? Yes. And that’s why sometimes in life, it’s important to end an argument with your status and the leverage it yields you a la Jen the Pen during her argument with Raqi: “I’m white; it will get down.”
Lesson 13: There Are Some Lines Family Members Should Not Cross
If you and your cousin are thisclose, you need to re-evaluate what the term ‘cousin’ indicates.
Lesson 14: Know Thy Self, Love Thy Self
If you’re such a simpleton that your friend has to intervene because your actions are interfering with his money, than you need to come to terms with many issues–mainly, that you’re a simp. The first step to recovery is admittance, loving one self is the next path.
Lesson 15: Know How To Spot A Killer Amongst You
As an adult, it’s important to have the ability of discernment, especially amongst your circle of friends. The one you call friend may be plotting your demise. Because as history has proven (see: L’Orel & Winter), the woman you refer to as “best friend” may end up exposing you for your sodid secrets in her tell-all novel.
Lesson 16: Rock A Gold Grill
Maybe it’s the southerner in me or my love for hip-hop but a gold grill makes everything alright.
Lesson 17: Whoop That Trick
Sometimes in life, you just need to open a can of whoop ass, or as Lil’ Scrappy so eloquently put in, “Put them paws on ’em.”
Lesson 18: Listen To Your Mother
If your mom says it’s true, it’s true.
Lesson 19: Know When A Career Is Not For You
Contrary to popular belif, not all black people are skilled at rapping or singing. People should know when to walk away from a career–even if it’s his or her dream.
Lesson 20: Know When To Use Sex As A Weapon
There are moments in life, when your best assets are your assets. Use this tool for power sporadically lest it becomes your reputation.
Lesson 21: Know When To (Wo) Man Up
In order to progress to the next stage in life, you can’t bring childish attitudes with you.
Lesson 22: Know When You Are A Threat To Your Livelihood
If, for whatever reason this keeps happening to you: Whores enter and leave your life like a revolving door only to leave you with less cash but with more grief, you my friend, may be walking around town with an open target on your back. Resolve this issue immediately mark.
Source: VH1
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