This season of Basketball Wives LA spawned some of the most daunting questions of 2012 for ratchet reality TV.
What will be Jackie’s response to Chantel’s comments against her? Will Malaysia be called out for being a prying housewife? Will someone address Bambi’s significance on this show? Will Laura ever admit to sleeping with Shaquille O’Neal? Will Draya reveal that Gilbert Arenas, Laura’s fiancé, is the father of her son? Does Shaquille O’Neal have the last laugh considering Gloria’s webisode is hosted on his YouTube channel? Will someone call out Malaysia for her massive veneers and pseudo hipster glasses? Which cast members received the axe from VH-1? Which cast members will return for season three? And most importantly, will we get the tea on Gloria’s nookie chronicles?
Although this reunion taping apparently took eight hours to record, VH-1 decided to leave all the juiciest footage on the cutting room floor. Can you say, ‘tease?’
Thus, this reunion is badly edited leaving many questions unanswered and not even addressing some of the main points that were discussed during filming or in the blogsphere. So, without any further interruptions, I give you a recap of the reunion from Hell.
Warning: This reunion will leave you completely unsatisfied.
John Salley: ‘OMG. I hope Draya gives me her number afterwards…’
The reunion’s moderator is befittingly John Salley, who quite frankly is the only man who can moderate these women broads. Well, aside from Shaquille O’Neal. But I digress.
But before we begin, let’s talk about the women’s haphazard fashion choices. Dressed like they’re contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Bambi, Malaysia, and Brooke are inexplicably wearing extravagant ball gowns. While Jackie and Laura are giving their best interpretations of spies dressed in all black, albeit Laura actually appears chic while Jackie’s wearing her all too familiar tacky trench coat and knee-high boot get-up. To which I ask, ‘Does Jackie moonlight as a secret agent porn star?’
Laura: ‘Why yes I do moonlight as a spy contrary to Gloria’s portrayal of a spy/assasin. Just ask Shaq; he’ll tell you.’
Salley’s first viewer submitted question addresses Malaysia’s intrusiveness. The viewer asked if Malaysia chose to interfere in each cast members’ business as a way to remain relevant, to which she blatantly denies it to the err of everyone watching. Sally takes it one step further and astutely asked her why she enthusiastic in her quest for the group to forgive Jackie considering she bore witness to Jackie’s manipulations during season one (that resulted in her getting a beat-down from Laura courtesy of Jackie). Proving in fact that her brain is comprised of Skittles and junior high school rhetoric, she replied, “Jackie did girl chatter as opposed to doing anything damaging.” Because Jackie revealing to the cast that Gloria slept with Gilbert Arenas and other sordid details from Laura’s life weren’t damaging at all.
Cut to Laura admitting she planned her revenge plot against Jackie because she was actually hurt by Jackie’s actions during season one because she did consider her a friend. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen the Ice Queen hurts just like the rest of us. She also admitted that unlike these women, she told Jackie everything to her face. Later in the episode, she apologized to Jackie for her malice intentions (like agreeing to meet with Chantel to obtain Jackie’s family secrets). You would think she’d continue demonstrating that she’s an adult but apparently speaking to Jackie Christie will make you regress into early childhood because her monologue quickly turns into a back and forth with Jackie. The most interesting piece of information revealed from said argument: Jackie was born in 1952.
The next viewer submitted question addressed the rookies and their absorption into the cast’s already tension-filled conflicts.
The standout of this scene isn’t the question per say; instead, its Bambi’s new persona as a wanna-be Barbie girl. Bambi–wearing a blonde lace front wig–now speaks with an affectation accent that’s equal parts California girl and your aunt when she’s attempting to’ speak proper.’ Because she’s putting on heirs and is a walking contradiction from her ‘I’m from Compton’ steeze, she sounds like a complete idiot. But I digress.
Bambi: ‘Listen, I wasn’t obligated to sleep with Black Santa. He just gave me gifts.’
Bambi and Brooke addressed their previous issue that stemmed from them dating the same guy. The anonymous suitor apparently was gifting both women, and Bambi admitted that in order to get said gifts she didn’t need to sleep with him. To which I ask, “Who is Black Santa and where can I find him?” Bambi admits she had no qualms with sharing a man just as long as they both were receiving their gifts, and goes on to say, “I’m here, I’m blond, where are the gifts?!” Someone is feeling herself, isn’t she?
Speaking of Bambi, Our Lady of Compton sure hates Laura, doesn’t she? Throughout the first half of the reunion she constantly threw slick remarks towards Gloria.
Exhibit A: Bambi tried to shade Gloria for her corny webisodes by commenting that it’s only on YouTube. Clearly on Team Logic, Gloria responded, “Yeah. Where else would it be? It’s a webisode.”
Exhibit B: Bambi, randomly commenting about Gloria that she’s “bussin’ it open for hoodies” in regards to her sexcapades with Black Wall Street and Avante Rose.
Exhibit C: Referring to Gloria as “fake” when in fact she’s dressed in a ball gown, wearing a blonde wig, and speaking in a put-on accent. Isn’t irony grand?
Later, Salley addressed Gloria eloping with Matt Barnes, saying, “85% of the audience felt cheated because she didn’t invite the crew to film it” and that the viewers learned more about it through TMZ as opposed to the show. In turn, Gloria agreed, saying the moment wasn’t worth sharing with these women.
Bambi: ‘I’m a rapper, y’all…’
Jackie: ‘Me, too, Bambi, me too…’
At some point, the audience is treated to pure comedy courtesy of ‘rappers’ Bambi and Jackie. I use that term loosely because neither women can rap by real hip-hop standards. As you recall Jackie and Bambi both have fledging emerging rap careers. Salley forces the women to participate in a rap battle/cypher and it is equally uninspiring, lazy, and mediocre. Salley explained to that each woman that she will rap about the other. Instead, they don’t, and end up freestyling about their selves. Just to reiterate, they both equally sucked.
Part two of the reunion includes questions from bloggers, Josie (from Bossip) and Kourtney (from TheYBF). Josie asks, ‘In the opinion of each cast member, which woman should return for season three and which shouldn’t?’ The women’s answers are priceless, and actually revealed who truly despises whom.
Draya: ‘Laura shouldn’t come back because she’d be happy living her life with her secret family.’
Malaysia: ‘Gloria. Since she’s above the show and acts like she’s better than us, she should stay at home.’ Who else caught the shade in that comment?
Laura: ‘Bambi because she’s not dating a basketball player.’ Yes, ma’am: the truth is a mofo.
Bambi: ‘Gloria because I don’t like webisodes and you [referring to Gloria] should get a real job. And Laura because she lost too much weight too fast and it’s scary. And I don’t like them; they’re disgusting.’ Really, Bambi? You’re attempt at airing Laura’s laundry is alluding to the fact that she’s had full body lipo suction. That’s pretty weak.
Then, Salley asked the audience who should return or leave, and they agreed Draya, Malaysia, and Bambi should stay while the other women need to exit stage left.
Brooke: ‘I’m just here to perpetuate King Magazine-gate.’
Somewhere, Brooke’s King Magazine-gate is addressed, and Draya sensibly deadens the issue by remarking, “He [referring to the editor, Shawn] fucked up your moment–not me–because he shouldn’t have brought me up. Period.” She apologizes for “not being a cheerleader” to Brooke, and admitted to being immature and needing to grow up.
Another viewer submitted question touched on Jackie’s debacle to the gay community vow renewal that was done in honor of the gay community. Draya observed admitted, “It was a circus, and it made no sense because you’re honoring a group that can’t get married.”
The next scene vaguely alluded to Doug’s blatantly flaming vibes, and Jackie surprisingly further insinuates at it.
Exhibit A: At one point she says in regards to their union: “He knows about my pass, and I know about his pass…” to which Salley asked, “Is he gay?” and Jackie actually hesitated and took a moment to provide a coy, ‘No.’
Salley asked the women whether it was true that some of the women were given the pink slip in regards to season three. Gloria, Brooke, and Laura admitted that they haven’t received an “official notice” which doesn’t dispel the validity of the rumor.
Gloria: ‘Seriously, Bambi: Why are you here? Didn’t you ge the memo? This is my show.’
Another Malaysia centered query is brought up in the form of Bambi. Josie asked, ‘Did you bring Bambi on the show for protection considering your experience in season one?’ Of course, she again lied saying, ‘She didn’t bring her for back-up” when we all have seen Bambi acts as Malaysia’s in-house goon.
The show ends with Kourtney’s question, ‘If you could replace a cast mate from this season with a cast member from the Basketball Wives of Miami who would it be?’ and the women’s responses.
Draya: ‘I’d switch the Govan sisters for Evelyn and Jen.’
Gloria: ‘I’d only keep my sister and Brooke.’
Malaysia: ‘I’d replace Gloria for Jen.’
Laura: ‘I’d send myself to Miami and give them Evelyn.’
Bambi: ‘I’d switch Gloria for Evelyn.’
Brooke: ‘I’d go to Miami and replace myself with Tami.’
Group: ‘We are so over each other.’
Stray Observations
Just in case you need further proof that Malaysia’s IQ is questionable: When Salley asked the audience to remain quiet if they want a particular cast member to stay, Draya had to remind Malaysia that it’s a compliment the fact that the audience did just that when her name was mentioned.
Gloria commenting the absolute truth of life: ‘Every hater is an undercover fan because you’re paying attention.’
Speaking of Gloria, wasn’t she hilarious when she rebutted Bambi’s comment of she “should get a real job” with ‘When is that album coming out? Do you even have a single?’
Who else caught Gloria’s epic shade for blood, when she commented to the cast, ‘This show was started because of me. In reality the show Basketball Wives LA was started when Gloria moved to LA with her sister’?
Was anyone remotely surprised that the most butch woman in the group, Jackie, admitted to being in a les-bi-honest relationship?
Considering we witnessed Draya orally rape Bambi’s mouth, and he response to Josie asking her who amongst her cast mates would be her prime choice for a les-bi-honest episode, isn’t it safe to say her and Bambi took a swim in the lady pool together?
Who else’s mind was reeling from Bambi’s immature reasoning for prying in Jackie and Laura’s unfinished business? ‘Because Gloria is Malaysia’s friend, if she does [what she did to Jackie], she’ll do it to Malaysia,’ was the worst reply to ‘Bambi, why do you care so much about their drama?’
Who else peeped Salley’s love for Draya? He commented on her implants, and actually asked her if she was “okay” after Brooke sneak dissed her.
Source: VH-1
By Carla St. Louis (@SheWrites007)
#BasketballWivesLA
#BWLA
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