By Carla St. Louis

This recap is brought to you by The Stankface, and this phrase: “I’ma do you like you did me because that’s what I do.”

Before I start, let’s get this out of the way: It’s absolutely heartbreaking watching genuine people get caught up in someone’s fame whoring. Remember, I said that.

This is what an ambush looks like.

The first clip finds Jackie ambushing her estranged daughters with her unwanted family therapist, Beth. Prior to their arrival she interviews that her daughters aren’t open to a therapy session and that they’ll be extremely upset with her for doing this. Why that knowledge doesn’t stop her from establishing this session is part of Jackie Christie’s mystique delusions. The girls walk in, sit down, and Jackie admits that they’re there to resolve their issues to be ambushed. Takari admits, “I’ve always felt nervous around my mom…” and “I always felt I wasn’t good enough…” Her feelings are just since her mother sent her and her sister to live with there grandmother, while their other sister lived with her. I presume the daughter who was allowed to live with Jackie is her only child with Doug. My question: What is the relationship between Takari, Chantel, and their sister? I imagine there’s resentment amongst the girls.

But I digress.

Jackie rebuttals with, “You’ve always been too good enough…” which sounds extremely insincere. Jackie explains that she’s always helped her daughters financially, and Chantel interrupts her with, “And that’s the problem: You’ve always given us what you didn’t have but what good is that when you weren’t there?” She explains that her grandmother served as their maternal figure as opposed to Jackie. “We understand you were trying to make it happen (?) but you should have put that on hold to be a mother,” opined Takari. It’s important to note that Jackie is twisting her lips because someone just spilt the beans on her absentee parenting.

What’s Jackie’s rebuttal to this burst of honesty? Financial security and a replacement mom does equate good parenting. She continues, just because she didn’t react in a certain way (the right way?) doesn’t mean she’s not a good mom and ends it with this gem: “I don’t want to be sitting here listening to some nonsense…” Wow. Chantal says–to the therapist because her mother is being defensive–“Until she acknowledges the feelings that we have towards her because of the things that occurred during the course of our childhood we’re never going to really be able to forgive her for it.” At this point I feel really dirty watching this clip. These girls are hurting and it’s being exploited on reality TV by their mother.

Sensing she seems like a monster, Jackie apologizes for not being there, but then Chantal asks, “Are you going to be genuine? I personally feel you’re not real all the time…” Hasn’t the majority of Jackie’s cast mates uttered this grievance about her? It is absolutely confounding that her daughters share the same frustration with her personality as do the general public and her friends cast mates. It’s like she functions on various levels of denial.

Chantel notes, “This is the problem. She’s willing to apologize but she won’t acknowledge what we’re saying,” again to the therapist. Chantel probes Jackie and asks, “You don’t feel at times you’re fake?” to which Jackie responds with a deafening, “No.” Basically, her daughters seem to be angry with her over the fact that she refuses to take culpability and accountability for her lack of parenting and whatever tragedy occurred to them in their childhood.

Jackie ends her daughters misery therapy by saying, “Fuck that. I don’t want no more negativity.” The therapist blinks in amazement at her personality flip, and you can tell that she’s shocked at who Jackie has become from the moment she arrived to now. Always the innocent by-stander, Jackie interviews, “I’m not going to be the victim for you” referring to her daughters which is ironic considering they’re her victims.

In an example of what not to do within a therapy session, Jackie gives her daughters an ultimatum saying, “If you love me you better start showing it now or we have a problem. I don’t give a fuck, and I want your heart to feel it and her’s.” Best therapy resolution ever. “It’s best that you know now that I will never get over it,” calmly states Takari. Jackie’s shocked by her retort which is odd considering it seemed as if they’ve all had variations of this conversation and admittance in the past minus the therapist. She interviews, “This was a horrible idea. I cannot stand for the accusations and meanness.” Was she in the same room? No one accused her of anything that wasn’t untrue. Since when did the truth become accusations? In regards to her daughters, she interviews, “You want me to fix your inner issues, I can’t do that; I can only be your mom.” Clearly, Jackie Christie has a different definition of motherhood than the rest of society. The girls leave–rightfully upset–and find Doug outside. Doug, a complete slave to Jackie’s personality, tries to spin what just occurred by saying, “She loves you guys but it’s fucked up how it comes across. It’s a thin line between love and hate” which basically means he knows how it feels to simultaneously love and hate Jackie Christie.

At this point I’m going to fast forward because this episode is a bit of a bore. Somewhere, Gloria’s fiance, Matt was arrested but you can read about it on TMZ.

The rest of the episode revolves around Laura revealing more of the details on destroying Jackie. By the way, her animosity is real and not just for ratings. Laura actually hates Jackie, and it stems from the period prior to this show starting when they were actually friends. Apparently, while Laura was pregnant and going through a “rollercoaster” of emotions, Jackie “screwed” with her emotionally. Explained Laura, “[She] had the audacity to screw with me last year. [She] was someone I confided into and I talked to her all the time.” Apparently, once season one began Jackie manipulated Laura’s already heightened emotions (at the time she was going through marital issues) and pitted her against her cast mates under the guise of “compassion.” Also, Laura revealed that Jackie is the source of the tension between her and Gloria since she shared personal information about their relationship to others.

Doug cooked a counter full of food. I’d like to believe he’s done this out of the kindness of his heart, but I’m sure his Master (i.e., Jackie) forced him to and threatened him with violence.

Later, Malaysia, Laura, and Bambi arrive at the Christie’s home in Seattle. Literally, a feast awaited them courtesy of Doug, who unsurprisingly is a better cook than Jackie. The women are aware of Jackie’s deplorable cooking skills, and Bambi interviews, “Who cooked all of this because Jackie can’t cook!”

Here’s an interesting fact about Jackie: she lies alot. How do I know this? Based on Laura’s reaction to her story-telling. As Jackie is recapping, “My mom’s dying wish was for her grand-daughters to get along with their mom,” Laura’s face reads, ‘Is what your saying true?’ It’s as if she’s attempting to decipher a lie. I honestly believe Jackie is lying. I’m sure her dying wish was for Jackie to admit to being an absent mother and repair her damage, but I can’t argue with a fame-whore.

Laura: “You need so much more people because I AM NOT BUYING IT.”

Jackie goes on and tells a rather annotated version of her daughters’ reasoning for tension with her. Of course, she never acknowledges her absentee parenting and how much it hurt her daughters. Instead, she calls her daughters “ungrateful, rude, and mean” and says one actually told her, “I will cut you up while holding a knife.”

And ladies and gentlemen here is why Jackie Christie is evil: She knows the back story as to why her daughters have anger issues towards her (yet she purposely chooses not to tell them) but she still chooses to reveal details that make her look favorable and paint the real victims (i.e., her daughters) as monsters to perfect strangers.

Clearly, Laura and I are sipping from the same juice and she provides this moment of clarity: “[Jackie’s] the devil. That shit you were talking about I’m sure it didn’t happen like that. I can’t imagine being your daughter. If your like this with a group of people let alone your daughters?” Yes, ma’am. Insert Stankface here.

Laura asks Jackie if she can speak to her daughters and uses the pretext of helping resolve their issues as the basis. Laura interviews that her reason for meeting with the girls is purely intel work. “They have the core as to who she is,” she explained. Hmm. I wonder what tragedy occurred to her that makes her delusional, volatile, and neurotic? Laura reels Jackie in by admitting she was molested as a child and it shaped her views of people. Ay Dios Mios! I so hope those girls weren’t molested or raped. Again, I hate watching genuine people get caught up in someone’s fame whoring.

Like the awesome chess player that she is, Laura interviews, “She’s so insecure that she’s actually taking in what I’m saying.” She admits Jackie’s being “mindfucked” saying, “This is going exactly where I want it to go.” And the plot thickens.

At this point in the episode, the ladies agree that Laura is interfering in Jackie’s life. They continue to address her fake friendship with Jackie deeming Laura as “fake” for pretending to be Jackie’s friend (even if it is part of her master plan for revenge against Jackie). Bambi specifically seems to be taking Laura’s master plan with Jackie personally but Laura dished the tea in laymen terms, “Bambi is just caught in it because she’s looking out for Jackie but in due time.”

Jackie finally gets the memo that Laura may not genuinely like her. What’s astounding is that Jackie needed her cast mates to clue her in. Is she so delusional that she’s told herself that Laura harbors no animosity towards her despite the fact that her loose lips nearly sunk the sisters’ friendship? Yes.

Jackie: “What I’m saying is–despite me trying to ruin you and your sister’s relationship–are you my friend?”

Jackie finally confronts Laura, but Laura is untouchable as she deflects all of Jackie’s questions. After a comical exchange where Laura gets Jackie to reveal who ratted her out (it was Bambi), Jackie says, “Aside from the BS because everyone is always against me (true, but acknowledge why people don’t like you) do you want to have a friendship?” Laura replies, “No, we’re fine” and being that she’s delusional, Jackie interprets those words to mean ‘yes, we are friends.’

The last scene finds Laura, Gloria, and Malaysia meeting up to discuss Jackie. Malaysia accuses Laura of “bullying” Jackie. Laura replies, “I wouldn’t call it bullying; I’d call it back-atcha,” while Gloria sits menacingly twirling a steak knife. Absolutely hilarious.

When Malaysia tries to provide Laura insight as to how her revenge plot speaks volumes about her character, she’s not having it. She probes further asking, “Why?” and Laura ends it with the phrase that pays: “I’ma do you like you did me because that’s what I do.”

And that’s all she wrote folks!

Stray Observations
Who else loved watching Bambi go rogue when she told Jackie, “I will fuck Laura up, and you can send that message to her?” Wasn’t it hilarious to see a frightened Malaysia shake her head as if she’s thinking, ‘No you are only on my team’ to her renegade goon?
Why does Laura own a backpack that makes her look like a spiked, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Wasn’t it priceless when Jackie warned Malaysia to always be prepared for whatever Laura might do to her? Considering Laura’s beef is with Jackie why is Jackie trying to mindfuck Malaysia? Is someone trying to gain a permanent ally?

@SheWrites007